Every other week or so I'd love to sit down in front of my computer and write a more personal, life events inspired post on top of the normal Sunday-Thursday schedule. A post without all that much of a plan but with lots more personality than the other tutorial-like posts here on A Hearty Home. Don't get me wrong, I love doing those and that's what I want to keep focusing on but I also want this blog to be a representation of all of me. I debated whether or not to do them from the minute I started this blog but since I love to read these kinds of post on other people's blogs I thought I too could get away with rambling about life and its ups and downs. I feel like without a little bit more personality this blog could become too clean and unrealistic which is exactly the opposite of what I'm going for. For your information I'll be indicating these personal posts with #MM, which stands for "Margot's musings" so if you don't like chatty personal posts you can just skip those. I'll be putting them into the "life + more" category so you'll be able to find them in the tabs if you'd want to.
So lately I've been feeling a bit off. I can't really explain it but it's like I am looking at the world through a glass window and I'm not really a part of it. I feel nostalgic and melancholic all the time. And being productive and working in our apartment is a real struggle. Seeing as it's summer holiday and I'm a primary school teacher I think I might lack a bit of social contact. Going from a very busy classroom and lots of colleagues to working in our apartment every day on my own with no other human beings around has taken its toll on me I guess. Of course Ruben is there most evenings and on the weekends and I do still see some friends on occasion but it's just not the same.
On top of that odd lonely feeling I'm very worried that I won't find a job before school starts at the beginning of September. This will be my second year of teaching and it's fairly normal in Belgium to start with a few years of being a substitute. If you're lucky you find your own classroom for the entire next year and I'm still hoping I'm going to be one of the lucky ones. Don't get me wrong I don't think I am "too good to be a substitute". I will be happy with every job I can find, it pays the bills, but I won't lie; being a substitute is hard. Every few months (or weeks even) there's a new school, new colleagues, new rules, a new schedule (not every school has breaks and lunch at the same hours), a new age group, different text books, and so on and so on. The hardest thing is that you don't really have the opportunity to be yourself as a teacher. You will have to step into someone else's shoes and do things like they do things, but sometimes that's just so unnatural, know what I mean? I'm a bit of a chameleon though and I think I adjust quite quickly but it's not the nicest feeling in the world to hop from one place to another and not know whether or not you'll have a job the next month.
One of the worst things you can do when you're feeling lonely and stressed is use the "I'm busy, I don't have time" line. And yet this is what I have been doing for the last month. I feel such pressure to get our apartment ready so we can finally move and settle down that I've been creating more stress by telling myself and others that I do not have time for anything other than working. But that's a lie. Everyone needs to relax from time to time, even if it's for the sole purpose of being more productive the day after, and I have been neglecting my need to unwind. There were days I didn't even remember the last time I took a shower. Deodorant every day and hair up in a bun is good enough for painting walls, right? There were days I couldn't find any clean clothes (except track pants) because I forgot to iron them. Not a very good look for social events. And there were days I couldn't recall the last decent meal I had. I basically live on take out and pizza. I know, it's not the best promotion for myself here but hey, I told you I wouldn't filter out the bad stuff.
So this last week it hit me that I needed to take better care of myself. I took a day of working and spent the day in the shadow of our big tree after I took a long bath in the morning. I enjoyed the summer breeze and had some fun photographing the flowers in our garden. Although I didn't do anything special that day I felt so much better in the evening. One day of fresh air and flowers and gone were the glass wall and the nostalgia. Okay, I'm not gonna lie, all the stress and worries are still there in the back of my mind but I'm feeling as though, with a little more effort to take better care of myself, I will come out on top even though I still have a lonely month full of hard work ahead of me.
Have you ever had that strange "glass wall" feeling or do you have another similar story? I'd love to read all about it in the comments! Or talk to me on twitter @aheartyhome. Also, let me know if you like these kinds of personal posts?
