A thought that has been nagging me for the past few weeks is this: do we ever really grow up or is it all an illusion? I'll clarify what I mean by telling you a story. When I was in first grade I used to look up to the sixth graders (the last grade of primary school in Belgium) and I would be like "Wow, they're so big and cool, I want to be just like them one day." But then I grew up, went to second, third, ... and eventually sixth grade. But nothing ever changed. I didn't feel big and cool. I still felt like the 6 year old first-grade-me. What I had thought being in sixth grade would feel like, that feeling never came.
When I went to secondary school at age 12 I looked in awe at the seniors, the 18 year olds. "They must be so grown up and wise, and they must have figured out their lives, ready for college, wow." But you guessed it. The years went by and when I finally was a senior, 18 years old and ready for college, I still felt no different than 6 year old first-grade-me. Yes I was very excited to explore the world and go to college. I could stay up late and do what I wanted. But inside, what I had thought being in college would feel like, that feeling never came.
When I went to college I looked up to the ones with their diploma in hand, getting a job, moving in together. They were real adults, ready for life. For sure they would have it all figured out and feel very grown up. Guess what? I'm 25. I have my diploma. I bought an apartment with my boyfriend. We're moving in together. But I don't feel very grown up. I still feel like 6 year old first-grade-me. What I thought settling down would feel like, is not at all how I feel today.
So when I looked at my mom a few weeks ago I realized something. Nothing will ever change. I will always be waiting for a feeling that never comes. It will always look as though someone older than me is more grown up than I will ever be, even at that age. But that's just it. They don't feel that grown up either. My mom still feels like the same woman inside as she was the day I was born. And when I will be the age of my mom, looking at my children, I will feel like the same person I am today, the same person I was in first grade.
Yes, when we get older we learn new things, we acquire knowledge, maybe even some wisdom along the way. We get more responsibilities and we can make our own decisions. But when I think about growing up I think of something different. I think about that feeling of awe, looking at the older kids when I was in first grade. I think about a moment when I'll finally have it all figured out. But we all know that moment is never going to come. So is growing up all an illusion?
Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. Maybe growing up on the inside is exactly like growing up on the outside. You don't see yourself grow, but you do. And when you look back on your own life you wonder when you changed. I still feel the same as I did in first grade, but I can see that I'm not. Maybe when I'm a grandmother one day I will still feel the same as I feel today but I will look back and see that I'm not. So maybe growing up isn't an illusion after all.
What do you think? Is growing up a real thing, or is it just a deception of the mind? Let me know in the comments!
