Impostor Syndrome is a real thing. That's something I only recently found out and you can't imagine how relieved I was. Relieved because that means I'm not alone. And I'm not crazy. There are moments when I feel like I deserve everything I accomplish, but most of the time I feel like I'm going to be "found out". Even while typing this I'm afraid I'll just come across as trying to get some attention, afraid that I'm even posing to be an impostor, if that makes sense? Once I discovered that there are more people out there who feel this way I went searching for their stories and I recognized so much of it. "I'm not good enough", "I'm not an expert!", "why'd they give me this job?", "I'm not competent", "I don't deserve this reward!", and so on and so on. If that's something you've felt too, keep on reading.
Searching for more information about the Impostor Syndrome I stumbled upon the Impostor Syndrome Test. I don't know how accurate this test really is and chances are it's not very "scientifically correct" but it gave me a good summary of how I feel:
"No matter what you manage to accomplish, you are unable to enjoy your success. You see yourself as an impostor and fear that eventually - especially if you make a mistake or fail - people will discover that you are actually incompetent. This could be related to a lack of confidence, a tendency to believe that success is due to factors that you cannot control (like luck), or a fear that you will be unable to sustain it and thus, lose people's respect. You find it difficult, if not impossible, to take ownership of your achievements, and experience a great deal of self-doubt and self-denigration."(For your interest, I scored 74 out of 100)
I can go weeks without it but then suddenly it's there, creeping up on me and I'll feel like a fraud instantly. I'll have episodes of anxiety, panic and just overall fear of not being good enough. I have this fear about being a parent one day, I've had it for years and I don't even have children yet. "You're not capable of raising kids." I have this fear about being a musician/singer-songwriter. "You're not talented enough, just stop it." But most of all I have this fear about being a teacher, especially when I've been without work for a few weeks or months. It starts with: "You're not an expert on children, what do you know?" and goes on to "Why should anyone trust their kids to you for a whole day? You're not capable to be a teacher!". The longer I'm not around children, teaching, the stronger the impostor feelings become. So right about now I'm feeling like a complete fraud. I don't even have a job for this school year yet.
Deep down I know that caring so much about doing a good job is what makes me a good teacher. Deep down I know that it doesn't matter very much if I'm talented enough to be a musician, as long as I like doing it, it's just a hobby. Deep down I know that worrying about being a parent is what'll make me a good parent. But there are moments that I just can't convince myself. There are moments I feel like a total fraud.
I know this post isn't the happiest but I promised I'd share the good and the bad, real life. And this is how real life is right now. I'm trying very hard not to feel like an impostor and to acknowledge that I deserve a job, that I'm a good teacher. I'm also trying very hard to tell myself that I'm a blogger, because I have a blog and I like to write on here, that there's no other requirements to be a blogger. Because you guessed it, also feeling like an impostor on the blogging front sometimes.
One thing I learned through the years of feeling like a fraud: don't quit what you're doing. I quit many times because of this feeling and I regret most of those decisions. I regret not pushing through and staying in University. I also regret not pushing through and pursuing music more. You can quit, if that is really what you want, but not because you're afraid you won't be good enough. I don't want any more regrets. So I'm not giving up on being a teacher, even though I feel like I'm no expert. I'm not giving up on having children in the future, even though I'm afraid of not being the best mom ever. I'm not giving up on music just yet, even though I feel like I'm not that talented after all. I'm not giving up on blogging, even though I mostly have no clue what I'm doing.
If you have ever had this feeling of being an impostor, tell me about it in the comments, I'd love to hear your stories. Also, if you have tips and tricks to overcome this feeling: sharing is caring!
